It has been some time sense my last entry. I have now found that I am genetically Jewish on my fathers side. This has lit a fire in me to know more of what it truly means to be Jewish. I have began to study deeper and have realized that there is no way to move forward then to follow the halachah the laws of being Jewish. I have so many secular commitments which makes this very difficult, not to mention my family which is my life, however, I know the more that I have studied the more i see that I am already Jewish fully, with or without community which I long for someone to share this with, the reform movement does not fill this right, only orthodox. I have to show those close to me that this is real and not insanity or mumbo-jumbo, the realizations I have come to can only be reached by self discovery not by someone telling you. The saying is true, do then know. With doing you gain the knowledge and understanding. I have to keep strong in my faith and family together and pray that this pulls together given time and a loving touch. I am persistent and will not give up, it means everything. The the secular world feels foreign to me and no longer right as once it did in the knowledge I have gained in my studies, and once you know you cannot unknow or undo to return to the truly secular world as you once were it changes your world totally and adds a degree of calm contentment that I had never known before. The truth does set you free and the more truth you except the more it frees you, its amazing in the least. It is not easy, no it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but in that it is the most rewarding, even facing the ridicule is nothing compared to the peace it brings to your life.